After my “Kingdom, not religion” wake-up call, I realized something that surprised me. I did not mainly need more information. I needed more formation.
I could listen to sermons, read books, and highlight quotes all day, but I still had patterns that would not break without training. I still had blind spots I could not see. I still had areas where my intentions were good, but my habits stayed the same.
That is when one thought became clear:
If I want to live as a Kingdom citizen, I cannot rely on inspiration alone. I need discipleship.
And that leads to a question many believers quietly wrestle with:
How do I find a discipler, someone who can help train me to follow Jesus in real life? And if I cannot find one easily, how do I begin growing into the kind of person who can disciple someone else?
This is not about perfection. It is about the next right step.
Why I realized I needed a discipler
There is a difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it consistently.
I knew I should pray, but I was inconsistent. I knew I should forgive, but I kept replaying old wounds. I knew I should obey quickly, but I delayed when it cost me something. I knew Scripture, but I still struggled to apply it when my emotions were loud.
A discipler helps bridge that gap. Not by controlling your life, but by walking with you closely enough to spot the patterns you keep excusing, and strong enough to challenge you without crushing you.
A discipler helps you move from “I agree” to “I obey.” That is the kind of help that produces maturity.
What I look for in a discipler
I used to think a discipler had to be flawless, like a spiritual superhero. Now I see it differently. I am not looking for perfection. I am looking for maturity.
Here are the qualities that matter most to me:
First, I look for someone who lives what they teach. Their life has fruit. Their character is steady. They do not just talk about surrender, they practice it.
Second, I look for someone who is humble and teachable. A real discipler does not need to impress people. They are not building a following. They are building people.
Third, I look for someone who can correct with love. They are not harsh. They are not passive. They can tell the truth without humiliating you.
Fourth, I look for someone who is consistent. Discipleship is not one deep conversation. It is life on life over time.
Fifth, I look for someone who points me to Jesus, not to themselves. If a discipler creates dependence, something is off. The goal is maturity and multiplication, not control.
How I am learning to pursue discipleship
Finding a discipler is not always easy. Many people are busy. Some people are immature. Some environments do not have a strong discipleship culture.
So I started taking practical steps instead of waiting for the “perfect” situation.
I begin with prayer. I ask God to connect me with the right person, and I ask Him to give me humility so I can actually receive correction when it comes.
Then I pay attention to fruit. I notice who consistently demonstrates peace under pressure, integrity in small things, and love that is not performative. Those people often carry the maturity I am looking for.
Next, I ask directly, but respectfully. I do not dump my entire life story on someone. I start with clarity. I might say something like, I am serious about growing in discipleship and I would love your guidance. Would you be open to meeting once a month for a season?
I also come prepared. Discipleship should not feel like emotional chaos every time. I bring a few specific areas I am working on, one or two questions, and an update on what I applied from the last conversation.
And I stay consistent. Growth happens through repetition. Real change is often slower than my emotions want, but it is worth it.
If you cannot find a discipler right now
This matters, because some people read a post like this and immediately feel discouraged. Maybe your church does not emphasize discipleship. Maybe you do not know any mature believers personally. Maybe you have been hurt by leadership in the past and you are cautious.
If you cannot find a discipler right now, you still have a next step.
- • Start building a discipleship rhythm even before you have the perfect mentor.
- • Choose a small, steady plan.
- • Commit to Scripture daily, not to collect information, but to practice obedience.
- • Choose one area of consistent repentance, like anger, pride, or lust, and develop specific boundaries and habits around it.
- • Join a small group where you can be known, not just seen.
- • Ask one trusted friend for accountability, even if they are not a mature discipler yet. Mutual sharpening still helps.
These steps do not replace discipleship, but they prepare you for it. They also prove something important: You are serious.
The next step: becoming a discipler
At some point, the goal is not only to be discipled. It is to become the kind of person who can disciple someone else. Not because you have arrived, but because the Kingdom multiplies through people who are trained and willing.
Here is what I am learning about becoming a discipler:
I cannot disciple someone into what I refuse to practice. So my first priority is integrity. I want my private life to match my public words.
I also need patience. People do not change in a day. Training takes time. Growth includes setbacks. A discipler stays steady and does not treat someone’s process as an inconvenience.
I need truth and tenderness. Correction without love becomes harsh. Love without truth becomes enabling. The Kingdom requires both.
I also need to remember the goal. The goal is not that someone depends on me. The goal is that they grow into maturity, learn obedience, and eventually disciple someone else.
That is multiplication.
A simple way to begin discipling someone
If you want to start small, here is a simple approach that actually works:
- • Choose one person. Keep it simple. Someone younger in faith, or someone hungry to grow.
- • Meet consistently, even if it is only twice a month.
- • Read Scripture together. Discuss one passage. Ask two questions: What is God saying? What will you obey this week?
- • Pray together with honesty. Not long, not performative, just real.
- • Follow up. Ask how the obedience step went. Encourage them. Correct them if needed. Keep it moving.
That is discipleship at its most basic level.
It is not complicated. It is consistent.
My closing thought
Kingdom living is not meant to be lonely.
A disciple needs training. A citizen needs formation. And eventually, a mature believer becomes someone who helps others grow.
If you are looking for a discipler, do not wait passively. Pray, observe fruit, ask, and stay consistent.
If you want to become a discipler, do not wait until you feel perfect. Start with integrity, humility, and one person.
The Kingdom does not advance through crowds alone. It advances through disciples, and through disciplers who are willing to train them.
